High Time

Well, I think it's high time I updated this thing, don't you? The good news is that things have been relatively calm around here, as far as Mark's health goes. I honestly cannot tell if Mark is getting better or worse. He has far, FAR less pain, and for that I am SO grateful (as is he!). But he has a LOT of fatigue still, and other issues, and I just don't know if we are moving forward or moving backward. He's off the $1200/month medication. It was having some undesirable side effects. Mostly he sleeps a lot, although he was able to go in to the church three times last week and do some work there, which is DEFinitely an improvement over a couple of weeks ago, so ... yeah, I'd have to say he's probably improving. I still find myself checking to see if he's still breathing when he sleeps, though. Maybe that's just my neuroses. I don't FEEL like he is "safe," but no one can really tell us just what is what. There are no markers on this road to say whether or not we are on the right path, so we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to make progress where we can.

That said, I don't think I'm going to be writing in here much for awhile. I don't know how to explain what has been going on in my head and heart, and I really don't want to try, except to say that I feel that I have gone into a sort of "hibernation," that I am conserving my emotional energy for those things that are REALLY important to me. This blog (and other aspects of my life) have required (at times) a huge vulnerability that has sometimes brought about much good and at other times has really bitten my hard in the tush. I believe, with my head, that the results of being vulnerable are worth the pain. However, I just don't have any spare energy right now. I find myself paring down, down, down so that my life is more and more focused: my children, my husband, my sisters, a couple of key friends, my writing ... Opening myself up to public scrutiny as I continue down this path is just ... no longer an option to me. I just can't do it.

My dearest friend and I have every intention of writing a collective memoir someday. She, too, is a pastor's daughter and knows all about that life (and afterlife). She, too, has a husband who has struggled with a chronic condition for decades, who has episodes periodically out of the blue which leave her wondering if he will make it through the night. I write to her every day. Sometimes a couple of times a day. And someday, you will all be able to read all about all my experiences (and my neuroses) when this phase of life is "history" for us and we are able to go back through our correspondence and glean what meaning we can from all of this. But for now ... I simply HAVE to retreat to my cave and pour myself into places where I know I am safe: private correspondence with trusted individuals and my poetry. I will come out in the "spring." I just can't tell you when that will be.

A Much Needed Breather

Hi, y'all!

Well, as of today, it's been TWO WEEKS since we've had to go to the hospital! This hasn't happened in over a year. Maybe even two years? It's been GRAND! And now that Mark has a hospital bed, I'm able to sleep in my own bed, and I sleep HARD. None of this waking up half a dozen times (on a good night). No, once I'm out ... I'm out! And now that Mark has the bipap machine, he is sleeping better as well. Much better. And his pain level is significantly reduced, too. It's not gone, by any means, but it's manageable. Also, the lasix helped him lose 15 pounds of fluid weight. Needless to say, that has helped a lot. He still doesn't have much energy at all. Like today, for instance. He got up when I did, but went upstairs and fell back asleep (without his machine, which I don't like!). I woke him up about 11:00 for the nurse's visit. She came shortly after noon and was thrilled with how much better he's doing all around. But once she left around 1:00, he was beat again. He went back upstairs and fell asleep in his chair. BUT ... he has so much less pain. Fatigue we can deal with. It was that horrible, neverending pain that made life so difficult. I don't know if this is "the new state of affairs," or if God is just granting us a break, but either way ... it's been nice!

Well, I must be off. I have a conference with Alex's teacher. He is doing well, also, btw. He has a friend. A guy friend! Zachary. Alex told me the other day, "Recess used to be my least favorite subject, but now it's not." Three cheers for Zachary!!

Oh, and here are some (long overdue) pictures of Vader. He's growing like CRAZY! He's up to 15 pounds already. The average adult Cocker Spaniel is 15-20 pounds. And he's only three months old! He is just SO much fun. I can't even put into words how much joy this little canine has brought into our home. (He is, even as I type, literally snoring on his rug at my feet, worn out from a hearty game of fetch.)

Trucking Along

Hi, all! Just wanted to take a minute to let you all know that things are going relatively okay around here. We haven't been in the hospital in 8 days!!! Mark is not well, of course, but I think the oxygen is really helping to keep things from getting completely out of whack so often. And having the home health nurses coming every few days to stay on top of things is a HUGE help. Mark IS retaining fluid: five pounds in four days. That's a sure sign that his heart failure is progressing. But hopefully an increase in his dose of Lasix will do the trick. We went in yesterday to have blood work and a chest Xray done (to take a look at the amount of fluid on his lungs), but for the moment, he is able to be at home and to get up and down the stairs, etc. (Even though his new bed is downstairs, his computer is still upstairs. Jason offered to bring it all downstairs, but he wants the exercise, he says. Yes, for Mark, having his beloved computer at the top of the stairs is definitely motivation to exercise!)

For those of you who live in the area, I need to let you all know something important. The nurse said that we (the kids and I) all need to get flu shots, and also that we need to be scrupulous about hand washing/sanitizing. Also (here's where you-all come in) we need to keep him away from sick people. This is going to be a challenge. I whine about it sometimes, but I rather like having our home be Grand Central Station. However, I need to ask that anyone hacking or sniffling or feverish or any of that keep a wide berth from our place this winter. Although, with three kids in school, I'm not sure how we'll manage that! Well, we'll give it our best shot!

Ordinary (?) Days

I've been quite busy this week. Nothing serious, though, thank God! Just routine stuff like attending soccer and volleyball games, refilling cupboards and fridges, things like that. No hospital visits since we came home. Yey! Mark is doing okay. Not great, at all. His belly is bloated with fluid, his blood pressure is high, and his color is ... ghastly. Sort of a purplish gray. But he's able to be up and around (although he walks like an old man) and was even able to spend some time with the boys today, which they loved, of course!

Below, find excerpts copied from a recent email, written to a friend earlier this evening. (Yes, I'm cheating, I know, but ... oh, well!)

Just in from a walk with the boys and the dog. My intentions were, perhaps, less than noble. I wanted to wear them out enough to be able to get some quiet time to write to you, since we have plans (such as they are) for later this evening. Nothing much, just watching that movie with Kayte, a day later. She's off at a Beaver's game with the Sweeneys but will be home around 6ish. I'm hoping we'll be able to have a "family dinner." Brendan begs for them, and it's fairly rare--once or twice a week, at most--that we are all home/awake at the same time and get to sit down and eat together. So ... hopefully tonight. I'm not making anything fancy, just bread from the bread maker and red potato/leek soup. But it's a gray, drizzly day here, perfect for freshly baked bread, slathered with butter, and a big bowl of hot soup. I LOVE this kind of day. Sure, there's a certain appeal to summer, and spring is definitely full of beauty and promise, but this is the kind of day I like best (which is probably a good thing, since in Oregon, we have a lot of them!). My mom told me once that she heard somewhere (can't say whether it's true or not) that there is a higher rate of suicide in places where it is almost always sunny. At first that struck me as odd. Isn't sunshine supposed to make you happy? But then I got to thinking about it. Sunshine makes you (well, makes ME) feel energetic and so on, but it also drives me to do, do, do. I feel like I have to be UP. A day like today allows me to just kind of ... move at my natural pace, which (as I was told frequently during my growing up years) is "slower than molasses in January."

I had to take the pup out this morning, too, so that I could finish the last few pages of _The Ghost Writer_. I just took him out front, though, and threw his squeaky basketball, which is the size of his head. It's SO funny seeing him drag that thing back to me, over and over and over ... until finally I bring him in and he goes for a big, sloppy drink of water and ... collapses on the floor by my chair.

Yesterday ... what an "adventure"! The home health nurse had come and found Mark's blood pressure too high and his fluid retention in need of attention. So she called Mark's primary care, Dr. S. We inherited him when Mark's former doctor retired. He is ... not good. I haven't heard anyone within the system say that they like him. Of course, most people don't come right out and say that they don't. Not the medical professionals, anyway, but we've definitely gotten the idea that being his patient is not really a good thing, but Mark hasn't changed because ... well, who knows why? It didn't seem to matter much, anyway, since most of his care has been handled by Dr. Broberg and his team. Well, yesterday, we realized that it's HIGH time we find a new primary care doc. After rush hour traffic cleared up, I took the boys and drove to Newberg to pick up his prescriptions. Of what we had requested, they had gotten ONE of them right (i.e. the one that didn't need the doctor's authorization). But we got a bottle of Vicodin (which we already have) instead of valium (which Mark needs, if the pain hits badly). And he prescribed a new blood pressure medication that was put on the market FIFTY FREAKING YEARS ago! In other words, it's the "rough draft." Many newer medications have been developed since then that have far fewer side effects, the side effects to this particular drug being ... oh, tachycardia, palpitations, nausea, vomiting ... all the things he ALREADY HAS!!! And the Lasix? You know, the medication he NEEDS to get rid of the fluid that's building up in his body? They didn't send over the authorization for that one at all. It was past office hours by then. I had done my part (or so I thought) by getting everything to the pharmacist/doctor's office well before evening. And the nurse called! Hello??? Maybe a patient on home health care who is in heart failure and whose nurse has called in to say he's retaining too much fluid might NEED this medication???? GRRR. Anyway, now we have to wait until Monday and/or go to the ER, if things get worse. So far, so good. Well, not good! But not worsening. So hopefully, he'll be able to manage until Monday, when I can call BROBERG to get his prescriptions filled and find him a new doctor who knows (and CARES) what he's doing!

Anyway, deep breath ... I got Brendan down at a decent hour. Actually, he fell asleep in the recliner shortly after we got home (as in, almost instantly after walking in the door). So I carried him up to bed and sat down to relax. But then Kayte called. Mitch, the parent/high school teacher who had said he could take the girls to Shari's after the dance, had had to back out, and they needed a ride/chaperone. I said, fine. Brendan was sound asleep, and Mark seemed okay. So I drove over to the junior high, picked up five LOUD, giggly teenagers, and drove to Shari's. It was rather interesting to watch the girls. They were all giggly and goofy and being (at times) downright embarrassing. Well, nothing too terrible, but they definitely weren't being very mature! Especially Angie (Mitch's foster daughter, who's on the volleyball team with Kayte). But then, after about twenty minutes, the people at the table right next to us stood up, and I realized why the girls were being such dorks. The table was PACKED with high school boys. Once they left ... the girls settled right down. Why is it that we females tend to make such fools out of ourselves in our efforts to attract men? Well, I like to think we are more ... sophisticated, as we get older. (Do we? I hope so!)

Rearranging

Mark is home. I am so very tired tonight, and this is the third from the last thing I need to do before turning in for the night (the others being taking the dog out and setting up the coffee pot), so I'll keep this brief, but I wanted to pop in here and let you know that he is home. The doctors are pleased that there wasn't any brain damage. A little slight disorientation, clumsiness, etc., yesterday, but today he is doing pretty well.

Jason spent most of the day rearranging our furniture, etc., and Dad left work early to come over and help. We had a hospital bed delivered and set up in the living room, with Mark's oxygen machine at one end and his bi-pap machine at the other. The Senior Herrings also donated a recliner, which is right beside the bed. Mark is ... not thrilled. Oh, the recliner is great! It's the rest of it that he's not so happy about. I can't imagine that I would be all that thrilled in his shoes either. But ... he's alive. That's definitely something to be grateful for! Although I need to go wake him up and make him put the bi-pap mask ON. It won't do him a whole lot of good lying on the pillow by his head ...

Drastic Turn of Events

Mark went into respiratory failure today. He's in the ICU with a bipap machine on. It creates a vacuum seal over his face and creates differences in pressure levels that help him to breathe. His acid levels were extremely high when they found him unresponsive this morning just before nine o'clock.

Did my last post even mention that he was in the hospital? I think I skipped that part. I called an ambulance for him because his speech was slurred when he woke up, vomiting. He didn't have a stroke. Just the flu, they said, but he needs extra support at this point for something as "simple" as the flu, so they kept him overnight, but just in a regular room. I called about 8:35 this morning, and the nurse said, "Oh, yeah, he's doing fine. He had some vomiting in the night, but he's comfortable now and sleeping." So I went off to church. I was just finishing up a memory/sticker game of Noah's animals with my Sunday School kids when Jason appeared at the door of my classroom. The hospital, unable to reach me, had called him, but they wouldn't give him any more information than that he had taken a turn for the worse, that he was in the ICU, and that they wanted me to come in as soon as I could. Of course, I flew! But still it was nearly an hour before I could get there.

He is doing better and better. I am wary of being TOO confident. After all he was "just fine" at 8:35 and nearly dead by 9. But all the signs indicate that he is moving in the right direction. And he doesn't seem to have any brain damage, either, or at least nothing major, which is really rather amazing. Where we go from here, I don't know. The doc said that clearly he can't sleep with a breathing apparatus, ever, from here on out. And anything sedating (like narcotics or phenergan) are really risky. How we are going to treat the pain, I have no idea. But I'm trying not to look TOO far beyond the end of my nose tonight.

A Crazy Week

This week has been a bit nutty. On the downside, Mark has been in the hospital every other day, and Brendan's bout with the flu (while over now) was long and nasty. On the upside, we got a dog!! The church bought us a pure black cocker spaniel pup, only about 2 1/2 months old. I hadn't planned on a puppy because of all the extra work that's involved in training a puppy, but he is SO sweet. He is playful but mellow and SO affectionate. Everybody here is head over heels in love with him (and vice versa). He feels just like part of the family already. I'll post pictures of him later. I haven't got them onto the computer yet. But I just wanted to come in and update you all on what's been going on here. Below, rather than writing everything twice, I've copied most of an email that I wrote to a friend this morning:


Okay. Me, at last. I slept (on the living room floor--the mattress has a leak and really isn't worth blowing up anymore) until I had to wake the kids up for school, only to find that my automatic coffee maker was flaking off on its job and there was no coffee yet. Wincing against a headache, I started the coffee and took the dog out. It was raining, but I stood out there and said, "go potty" about 15 times. Finally brought him back in the house so that he could promptly poop on the kitchen floor... No sooner had I gotten the boys up, then Brendan started demanding coffee cake. Once informed that we didn't have time for that today, he sat down on the stairs and started shrieking at me. "I hate you!" I didn't have the energy to say more than, "That's nice." Got coffee for Mark (who still appears quite foggy), waffles for Brendan, peanut butter toast for Alex. Washed down Brendan's legs after HIS peeing accident. Took a shower. (Took the dog with me so that he wouldn't decorate my carpets while I was out of sight, but he couldn't see me behind the shower curtain and started wailing.) Got out, stuffed my bloated self into the only pair of (ripped) jeans in my drawer. (Is it time to do laundry already??) Hunted for socks for Brendan. (Can they possibly ALL be dirty??) Finally found a pair. Ran the boys to school. Came home. Popped some ibuprofen. Called the junior high to let them know that Kayte is home sick today. Took the dog out again. Praised him extensively when he produced poop ON THE LAWN!!! Came in, filled my coffee cup again, and ... voila! Home free ...

Actually, it's going to be a somewhat busy day. Mark (if he can) needs to go in and help set up 15 new computers at the church. And Brendan has his first soccer game at 5:00 tonight. (And soccer pictures at 9 a.m. tomorrow, and another game at 10:30.) And I need to edit a story for Perri. I feel terrible! She sent it to me several days ago, and I comPLETEly forgot. Then, while I was busy forgetting my friend, she got word from the agent who had requested her manuscript. It's a no go. The story is "too sad." That kind of makes me mad. Hello?!? It's about grief! And she does a fabulous job of instilling the hope of healing at the end, without being sappy in the least. It's a great book! And she's worked her tail off, in between a two hour commute (each way), a job with behaviorally challenged teens, three kids under 8, AND a farm! She gets about four hours of sleep a night--consistently! I feel like sending off a note to J. Weber to the effect of, "How DARE you do this to her?" But ... that's the way the game is played. And like I said to her: it's not a matter of whether the book is good. It's a matter of finding the right agent who will share her vision. And she'll find him/her, I'm sure. It just can be a long process sometimes. I just wish I hadn't spaced her story, this week of all weeks ... Bad, bad friend. Bad ... (slinking off to my "kennel" now ...)

Back with a new cup of hot coffee. Mmm ... What is it about coffee in your favorite mug that is so reassuring in the morning? (I think my coffee is like Alex's blue blanket, that he drags downstairs with him and often drapes over his head as he sits at the computer in the morning.)

So, about Mark ... I found out more yesterday about what had happened to Mark before I got to him on Tuesday. I guess he'd gotten worse in the ambulance. His heartbeat kept rising up until it was over 200 beats a minute, and they switched on the sirens and lights and went code three. Then when they got to the ER, he was surrounded with a whole bunch of nurses. They had to put in multiple lines in case they needed to push multiple meds. They almost put one in his neck! His veins are really scared, and he only has a few places left where they can still get a line. But thankfully they didn't have to resort to that. Dr. Rosoff asked, "So, tell me what you need." Mark told him what medication worked, what dosage, how fast to push it. Dr. R said, "You heard him, people. Do it. I'll put it in the computer." No wonder he was agitated when I got there!

Yesterday's "event" wasn't as big of a deal. I think Mark was just spooked. But he WAS having TERrible chest pain and his heart kept trying to kick into SVT. We called an ambulance again. As soon as they pulled out with him, I loaded the boys and the pup in the van and raced off to Brendan's soccer practice. Yes, I realize that seems heartless! but ... well, I've talked about this so many times before, the struggle between being there for Mark and allowing the kids to have as normal of a life as possible. And I'm glad I took Brendan to soccer practice because he had a BLAST! Then I took the dog home to his kennel, checked in with Kayte (whose team had creamed the opposition at their volleyball game), and took the boys over to Jason and Becca's. Then I went in to Newberg and found Mark a little agitated (not overly so) but physically stable. His triponin levels were up there, which indicates some damage to the heart (although mild), and his EKG showed some abnormalities. His ... dang. What is it called? Hematocrit. (Couldn't think of the word there for a bit) His hematocrit, which indicates the thickness of his blood, is off the chart. They can only measure up to 70%. It's somewhere above there. They have no way of knowing how high it actually is, but basically his heart is trying to push around sludge, which would explain why it is keeps flipping out! They were going to admit him, but the ER docs consulted with the OHSU docs and they decided to watch him for four hours and repeat the enzyme test. After four hours, his enzymes were gradually starting to decline, so they let him go. As I walked out to get the van, one of the nurses called out, "I'll see you tomorrow." Then we both laughed/groaned and said, in stereo, "I hope not!"

I met the sweetest little boy though yesterday. Actually, he was there with his two older sisters, but it was the little guy who stole my heart. He must have been about four. They were waiting in the lobby when I went to get some peanut M&M's from the vending machine. Their mom was in the ER, and they had nothing to do. One girl had her stuffed animal clutched to her chest, and one was leafing through a magazine, but they looked pretty bored. So I went out to the van and some books and games out of our hospital bag and brought them in for them to use. I squatted down and was talking to them when the little girl with the stuffed animal asked what was wrong with my husband. I said, "He has a bad heart." She said, "Oh, my brother had a hole in his heart." I said, "Really? Well, that's what wrong with my husband. But he was born a long time ago, before they could fix stuff like that so now he has a lot of problems." The little boy looked at me. "My name is ..." He started spelling in sign language. "C ... O ... L ..." I asked, "Is your name Cole?" Yes. He was SO adorable! I loaned him a dinosaur puzzle and went back to be with Mark. A couple of hours later, his dad had him return it because they were about to go home. I wouldn't have cared if he kept it! But the dad was clearly trying to teach him about sharing and returning other people's property so I didn't insist he keep it (even though I would have preferred that he keep it, just because he was such a sweetheart, and any kid who has already gone through open heart surgery deserves at LEAST a dollar store dinosaur puzzle!). But his dad made him give it back, which he did (reluctantly), but when his dad prompted him to say thank you, Cole said, "I can't. It hurts my mouth to say that." :) I think the ER needs a toy box. Some coloring books and crayons and puzzles, at least. Maybe I'll see what I can do about that, down the road here soon.

Ready, Set ... Crump!

Mark is in the hospital again. He was doing great. He hasn't had to sleep quite as much or had as much pain since he started on this new medication, and I was really starting to let myself hope that it wasn't just a random "breather," that this medication was really going to make a significant difference. I'm sure anyone who has been reading this blog for long knows that we get those. We'll have a rash of ER visits and then three or four days of relative calm. Once or twice lately we've even gone as long as a week without seeing the inside of the hospital. But today was day five, and he crumped. He had been out with Jason, picking up plywood at Lowe's. He came home, saying that he had a horrendous headache and a few minutes later, he collapsed. It wasn't neurological though. Jason came over as quickly as he could. The medics were already here by then, but J. said that he could tell by the way Mark was talking, etc., that it was probably his heart rather than anything stroke-like.

I'm home right now. I would have left the kids with Jason and gone in. He volunteered to watch them, but Brendan is getting worse rather than better. He can't even keep down sips of water and has been throwing up bile. I just couldn't leave my baby like that. When you're sick, no one will quite do the trick but Mama.

Welcome to the Weekend

Gizmo is gone. Monday evening he bit me, HARD. After that, he kept trying to bite me, but I stayed out of his reach! I called the people who sold him to us, and they agreed to take him back. I was SO discouraged. I know it's "just a dog," but ... Anyway, we're back in the market, I guess.

Mark was in the ER several times this week, mostly at night, although on Thursday I came home from Kayte's volleyball game to find that he had just called the medics. They pulled in right behind me. That was a little unsettling. You'd think I'd get used to this after all this time, but these sudden things still leave me shaken. Adam (his nurse) said it's probably better that I DON'T get used to it, but I'm not convinced. I'd really like to be able to take all this in stride.

In other news, Brendan woke up with a tummy ache this morning. I'm glad I kept him home from school because less than an hour after Alex went off to the Halls of Enlightenment, Brendan started throwing up. Kaitlyn, calling home after school, was informed not to bring any friends home because we have the flu in the house. She made me laugh. "That's it!" she cried. "I'm not coming home. I'm NOT coming home! I'll sleep on the freaking streets, if I have to!" Luckily, she has enough friends that she probably will manage to stay well away from this bug without having to spend any nights on street corners! (She called a few weeks back and said, "Can I come home?" I know she MEANT, "Can I bring a friend home?" but that's not what she said! I laughed. "You LIVE here. Of course you can come home." We do see her a BIT more now that school is in session, but she doesn't choose to hang out here often. We are FAR too boring for her!)

Abrupt subject change, here ... Alex and Brendan are both getting awards at school on Tuesday (assuming they are well). Alex is getting student of the month for Responsibility, and Brendan is getting a Pirate Gold badge (for what, we're not sure yet). If any of you locals want to attend, the assembly is at 1:00 in the gym.

I spent most of the day getting nine poems and five haiku out in the mail. By return mail, I got a rejection from Boyd Mills Press for the picture book that I submitted to them, but I was actually encouraged by it. Instead of the very general "we're sorry" that most places send out, they have a checklist, and they let you know why they didn't choose your piece. They could have chosen to indicate that the piece still needed work or several other options, but instead they said that it simply didn't meet their needs at the time. That's ALMOST as good as an acceptance, isn't it? Well, it doesn't pay nearly as well! but it was a boost to the morale, nonetheless.

Yey! There's hope!

Judy just came over and spent some time with Gizmo. She seems to think that with a couple of accommodations and some training, he could be just fine. He is a very good dog in every other respect; he just get overwhelmed when he doesn't have any way to have downtime. So we're going to try X, Y, and Z. Already I can see a huge difference in Gizmo's "state." He's much more relaxed. And we had Brendan do certain caretaking/playmate things with him, and we reinforced certain things that he is NOT to do (like pick up the dog or take him outside without permission and an adult present). And Judy taught me how to train the dog to walk away from a high intensity situation and go to "his spot." It'll take time, of course, but she thinks he's amenable to being trained. And she's bringing a baby gate so that we can keep him in the kitchen of the house is full of kids. All fingers and toes crossed ...

An Unexpected Turn of Events

So, get this. Our lovely dog drew blood on Brendan last night (after also nipping at the little neighbor boy). It looks like we're going to have to return him. Brendan is energetic, for sure, but he's not mean. He wasn't hurting the dog in any way. He just picked it up and ... got a set of teeth in his hand. The doc on call said that he should be seen and Urgent Care was already closed so she "highly, highly recommended" that we go to the ER. Well, I had Gabby and JP and couldn't get ahold of Becca so it was 9:30 before we were able to set out. I wanted to wait until morning, but Mark said, no. He didn't want to take any chances. So off we went. Signed off on a $100 dollar copay only to have the doctor tell us that it was fine, that we should, of course, have it reevaluated if it started oozing pus or something but that for now he recommended soap and water and maybe neosporin. So ... back home we went, to pick up Alex at Becca's and Kayte at a friend's Sweet Sixteen party. By 11:30, we were all in bed.

I got up this morning hoping that maybe, just MAYBE yesterday was a fluke and our sweet little dog would be back. Um, no. He didn't bite (thank goodness) but he growled his definitive displeasure at Brendan the moment he started playing with him. I don't blame the dog. Apparently being raised with one 7-year-old girl is NOTHING like living with my boys (and their multitudes of neighbor friends and their cousins and ...) But if we are going to have a dog, we have to have one that can handle that kind of busy, bouncy lifestyle with kids, kids, kids everywhere. It's so discouraging. I'm finding myself debating whether I should give up this quest for a dog and get a pair of hamsters or something. Although ... can you imagine my boys with hamsters? Sigh ...

Gizmo's Here!

We got our dog!!! He's a 2-year-old Lhasa Apso, very sweet and playful. He seems to feel right at home here. Much, much thanks to Rod and Billie and Shawn and to Judy Herring who all contributed QUITE generously so we could have this special little guy in our lives. We appreciate all of you, so much!

Home

Mark's home. I went in to get him after I got the kids off to school. He was snoring so loudly that I could hear him out into the hall! His heart rate is still high--around 100, even when he's asleep. And he's panting and shaky and all shades of purple and gray. But his rhythm is regular enough to come home.

I feel such anger this morning, such a feeling of desperation. I had a friend (who happens to be a therapist) tell me recently that anger is just fear in disguise. I don't feel afraid though. I feel helpless and hopeless and so, so tired. I find myself wondering today if modern medicine is always such a wonderful thing. It's a two edged sword, I guess. Without it, he would not be here at all, and neither would our three beautiful children. But now? When there's no hope of a cure or even of significant improvement? When the procedures and medications are just keeping him sick and in pain that much longer? Are we really doing him a favor? I don't know.

Good (?) Morning!

The medics just left with Mark. He woke up about a half hour ago with his heart in PSVT (i.e. racing really, really fast). He came downstairs, woke me up, and panted, "I need you to call the medics." When they got here, his heart rate was jumpy but reaching around 180. Oxygen brought it down to about 117. He was shades of purple and gray and SO clammy. But he's in good hands now.

I feel a little stoned right now. Well, actually, I've never been stoned, so how would I know what that feels like? I'm sitting here, trying to decide if I should see if I can find someone to come stay with the kids so I can go in with him, or if I should sleep some more and go in once I get them off to school? Trying to think feels like swimming in molasses.

Whee!

Long night last night. Mark's pain was BAD. It was pretty awful the night before, too, and he asked me to stay with him in case he needed help, which I did, but that meant I didn't get much sleep. But he didn't end up needing to go in to the ER. I guess last night's pain was worse, or maybe he was just too exhausted to deal with it effectively. I don't know. All I know is that he was in a great deal of pain and distress. It was late though, and Jason was at work so I had no one to stay with the kids. I called an ambulance about 11:00, hoping that the ER would keep him until morning. They didn't. I got a call about 3:30 to come pick him up. I didn't want to get all the kids up, especially since they have school today, but I can't leave Brendan once Kaitlyn is asleep because she just doesn't hear ANYTHING once she's out. So I brewed some coffee, dallied until I felt semi-awake, got Brendan up, wrapped him in his yellow fleece blanket, and set off. We were back by 5:00, and I got a couple more hours of sleep, thankfully, before I had to get the kids off to school, so it wasn't THAT bad of a night. And Mark had Dr. Rucker, who was willing to give him the meds he needed, so there's that too be thankful for, too.

Whew!

What an adventure the boys and I had today! Either that, or we just wasted five hours of our time, but I'd rather see it as an adventure. A learning experience. Whatever.

The animal shelter in Hillsboro has four dogs on their website that looked like they might work for us. I didn't want to drive all the way in there for nothing, so I tried calling them several times, left a message and a call back number, waited ... for three days. Finally I decided I was going to have to just take chance. I didn't particularly want to drive all over Timbuckto today, but I realized that a dog isn't just going to fall into our laps, that I'm going to have to do some (more) legwork to find the perfect fit for us. So I conjured up some enthusiasm, picked up the boys from school, and set off. An hour later (after only get turned around twice), we found the animal shelter, only to be told that all of the animals they had currently were displaying serious behavior issues and/or health problems. They suggested we try the Oregon Humane Society. I wanted to go home! But we'd come all that way, and the boys SO wanted to get a dog, and I figured, why not pop down the road a ways and see what they have? So we got back in the car and headed out. Somehow either the lady at the desk missed a step in her directions or I missed a step in my driving (most likely the latter), but somehow we ended up downtown Portland. At 5:00. With everybody and their uncle trying to just GET HOME. I drove round and round and finally proceeded out of the city (not that I had ANY idea where I was going, but OUT of the city was far preferable to IN the city, so ... out we went.) Finally I pulled over and called Becca, who looked up my location on MapQuest and gave me instructions on how to get where I was headed. Finally, after nearly 3 1/2 hours of driving, we pulled into the parking lot of the Oregon Humane Society.

Would you believe that out of about 100 dogs on site, not a single one was what we were looking for? Well, that's not quite true. There are a couple that they may suit our needs, but they haven't been checked out by the vet and the trainer yet so they can't be adopted (or even put on hold). All the others were either too big (lots of those), too old, too aggressive, too energetic... (We want energy, but when the sign on the kennel says, "This dog is very, very energetic," I tend to think ... maybe not! I was gazing affectionately at one little gal when I noticed the sign on her cage: "Returned for behavioral issues." Hm. Okay, moving on ...

We toured the entire facility twice, and I finally had to admit that they really have nothing currently available that would work for us. Alex burst into sobs and continued to have outburst of tears for a ways down the highway. Poor guy. He seemed slightly consoled by my promise to watch the humane society website like a hawk and call at the first sign of a suitable dog. I told him it's like Christmas, that we wait and dream and wait and wait ... and sometimes it seems like it'll NEVER get here! And then it does, and it's so worth the wait. I just hope "Santa" shows up soon!

More Ups and Downs

Mark and I watched a great movie Friday evening. ("I Love Huckabees") It was really nice just to be able to hang out with him on the couch and laugh together. But shortly after the movie ended, he had an attack of chest pain that radiated up his neck and down his arm. I had to call an ambulance. But after he was gone, I just COULDN'T go to the ER. I just couldn't. I called the hospital after he arrived to make sure he was okay and to give them Jason's home phone number for transportation home when they were through with him, but I just couldn't STAND the thought of spending another minute in that hospital. Feeling guilty, I went to bed, and woke up at 7 this morning. Mark was still gone. I checked the machine. Had they called and I didn't hear the phone? Nope. No messages. And then Mark called. "You can come get me." Dr. VanEaton had been on last night and they had kept him all night, giving him all the meds he needed to get through this episode. God bless VanEaton's huge heart! It just makes me even MORE mad about the other night. We went through all that crap for nothing!!! What does Dr. J expect to accomplish, with Mark? It's just as absurd, imo, as denying pain killers to a terminal cancer patient. If you're terminal ... you're terminal! Hello!?! Anyway ... deep breath.

Yesterday was much better. Mark still didn't feel well, and he spent nearly the entire day in bed, but at least he was a) comfortable enough to sleep, and b) home! I took the boys to the parade for the Dayton Harvest Festival. Jason had his kids today, too, since Becca was doing a Tupperware booth at the festival all day, so he met us there and we watched the parade together. It was really short, but fun. You know you live in a small town when in the middle of the parade, the firefighter that ran the 911 call last night leans out the window and calls, "How's Mark?" Yep, that's my town for ya.

After that, I went to the library book sale. I got a TON of books (well, maybe ... half a ton). In addition to about seven books for Alex and three for Brendan and two books of poetry written by Mattie J.T. Stepanek, a kid with muscular dystrophy (He's really quite a kid!), I got the following: C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters, Roth's The Ghost Writer, McCullough's The Ladies of Missalonghi,E.L. Doctorow's Billy Bathgate, Margaret Atwood's The Robber Bride and Cat's Eye, Nine Plays by Bernard Shaw, and Joseph Conrad's Nostromo. I was pretty happy, coming out of there! What a way to build a library! Of course, it'll be three more months before I can buy more, but at $3 a bag ...! Wow. You just can't beat that.

After that, I took Kayte and Bren to Burger King. (Alex opted to stay home, and I let him since Mark was there, even though he was sleeping. The thing is ... I told Alex he could have one hour on the computer but didn't specify what he should do after that. When I got home, I asked him what he had done the rest of the time. He said, "Nothing." I said, "Nothing? You did nothing that whole time?" He said, "Yeah. Well, I did read the instruction manual for my game ..." Sigh. I forget that one has to be specific about what he is to do with his time or he will literally sit and do nothing at all. I don't quite get that. You turn Brendan loose and he runs outside, comes back in, slams doors, throws toys around, slides down the banister, runs back outside ... Alex just sits. The contrast is really amazing.) But anyway, back to what I was saying ... we had some lunch and then had to try to find some volleyball shorts for Kayte. I was TIRED and crabby by then and Brendan was driving me nuts and the stores were too crowded and I was TIRED, doggonit! (Did I mention that already?) Well, we finally got home and I let the boys sit in front of the game system (under Kayte's supervision) while I went up to their room--and crashed. I only slept for about an hour, but boy, did it feel good!

We went down to the festival at the park around 6:00, but I spent too much time browsing, getting cotton candy for the boys, chatting with Becca at her booth, etc. When we went to get tickets for the activities, they had stopped selling them. Brendan was NOT happy. He had been waiting all day to play in the bouncy house and go down the 19 foot inflatable slide, and now we couldn't, all because Mom had been TOO SLOW. But I went to the lady taking tickets for the slide and told her how very much he had wanted to play ... and she let him on! She gave him six turns without a single ticket. Then the boys went over and played one sort of carnival game, which they lost, but the lady gave them a token prize anyway. And then we started looking around, but ended up stuck at this one booth called Pino-kee-o's. This woman, named Phyllis, makes all these FABulous wooden toys (and other things, too, like a funky clock made out of a Scrabble board with the words ONE, TWO, THREE, etc. spelled out at the correct places). Alex immediately gravitated to this really complex geometric cube puzzle. He tried and tried and tried. I chatted with the lady (and chatted and chatted). Finally, I said, "I'm going to have to buy that, aren't I? You're never going to be able to walk away from it." Well, as soon as I wrote out my check and handed it over, he solved the puzzle! But he doesn't have the solution memorized, so I'm sure it'll give him lots more fun in the next few days. I got Brendan a Jacob's Ladder toy and took the lady's card. She's going to be at the area's biggest craft fair the weekend after Thanksgiving. I think I'm going to have to go hunt her down for Christmas gifts.

They finally had to start packing up, so we moved on to the free corn-on-the-cob feed. YUM!!! So good. Then home, to bathe the by-now-very-overtired-and-crabby Brendan and to take Kayte to her sleepover at Lindsay's. And then snack and prayers and bed and ... QUIET!!! Yey!

A Memorable Night

Last night definitely goes down in the Horrible Nights Hall of Fame. I called over to the hospital about 10:00. I was about to go to bed, since Jason had said he would go pick up Mark, but I just had a feeling something wasn't right. So I called. Sure enough, Mark was having a rough time. Since the boys were asleep, I decided to leave them with Kaitlyn and go in and be with Mark. Come to find out, they wouldn't give him any narcotics or the kind of anti-nausea that actually works for him, because they are concerned about addiction. Well, he got one dose from the day shift doctor, but then, within a half hour of coming in, the night shift doctor came on and refused to give him anything that actually works for him. I know he means to be working in Mark's best interest. Tough love, that kind of stuff. But ... hello?? They have informed us during the last couple of weeks that there is really no surgery that they are willing to risk and that we need to start to wrapping our minds around the inevitability of The End. But Mark can't have narcotics because ... he might get addicted? Um ... maybe I'm missing something, but ... why the heck does that matter if you're dying? Dr. J said, "Well, his personality has changed since I first knew him. He used to be so vibrant and bouncy, and he's not anymore." Yeah, well, if you lived with severe chronic pain for years with no hope of relief this side of Eternity, it just might change your personality, too, Doc!

Finally, about 12:30, when the therapist from the pain center had failed to respond to five calls, the doctor "compromised." He gave Mark the anti-nausea medication that works, but in pill form, so that the affect would be less dramatic. And he gave him a prescription for Dilaudid. I looked at Adam and said, "A prescription? So ... we can't get anything at all until morning then ..." Mark and I were so depressed. We were just stunned into silence. Mark had been up nearly all of the night before with this pain and had been battling it at home ALL DAY before giving in, finally, in the evening, only to sit in the ER for SIX HOURS and then be handed ... a prescription??? Adam, who had already told him that his hand were tied, went out without a word and came back a few minutes later with a small dose of IV narcotics. I don't know what he said to Dr. J to get that dose, but I could have bowed down and kissed his feet. It wasn't only enough to take the edge off, but ... it was definitely better than nothing.

Rougher Waters

Alex couldn't sleep last night. I think everything was just a bit much for him, and he couldn't turn it all off. I remember many long and lonely nights at his age, and I didn't even have half the challenges to keep me up at night as he does. So I stayed with him in his room for a bit, but when I got too tired we moved downstairs: him to the couch and me to the air mattress on the floor, where he could put his hand in my hair and feel me close by while we both fell asleep.

When I got up in the morning, I found that Mark had had a rough night, that he had nearly woken me up because of his chest pain. But he toughed it all all day long even though he was too nauseous to lie down and too lightheaded to walk around--or even barely to sit up. Finally, about 6:30 in the evening, he decided that he would have to go in to the hospital. He's there now. The boys and I dropped him off, and Jason will go pick him up later.

I can't really "win" in these situations because regardless of whether I go with Mark or stay with the kids, I feel guilty for not being with the other(s)! On a day like today, I would normally have leaned toward staying with Mark, because it wasn't "just" pain. It seems like his liver is acting up, too, and he's quite sick. I know if I were in a state like that, I would want company. But Alex is agitated enough as it is and Brendan just had his first (very partial) day of school today, and I just felt like the kids won this round. But I find myself sitting on the edge of my chair, waiting for news that this isn't "the Big One." That's my fear every time I choose to stay with the kids--that something big will happen while I'm gone and I won't be there for him. But ... what can I do? Until they perfect the cloning techniques, I have to make a choice and just hope for the best, I guess.

A Good Start

Hurrah! The kids are off to a new school year. Well, except for Brendan, who gets to ease his way into the water with a one hour session tomorrow and a half day on Friday before jumping in to the deep end next week.

Alex had a good day. He met a friend! A guy friend, no less. And he just happens to be seated in the same group as his friend Gabby, from last year. He really likes his teacher, too. Yey!

Kaitlyn came home just FLYING! She only stayed long enough to get half of her allowance out of me before taking off again for another three hours. I mentioned, when she got home, that from now on, she needs to plan to be home for dinner. She said, "Well, I didn't have a watch." Then find a clock, girlie! But she's happy, happy, happy to be back with her friends.

I played a long game of chess this evening with Alex. I couldn't believe he beat me! I was sure I had him down for the count. He had only his king and a pawn left, and I had something like eight pieces on the board. But one by one, he took me out ... And I tried to win, HARD! It's rather humiliating being creamed at chess by your ten-year-old son! He was so proud though. We have some of our best times together over the chess board, and both of us really get into it. And when he won, he hopped around the house like Tigger. "I won! I won! I won!" I like playing games with him because he's not easy to beat!

Happy Labor Day

I did it! Twelve hours from now, I'll be just about ready to wake the kids up for their first day of the new school year. It's not that I don't love my children, mind you! I adore all three of them. But somehow the "adoration factor" wanes when they are all cooped up together, when they are hot and/or bored, and when I haven't had a serious break from them in nearly a hundred days. I guess that's not quite true. I did have a beach day in June and a few stretches in the hospital when someone else had the kids and I sat around reading. But other than that, they've been beneath my elbows for quite long enough! I am more than happy to be sending them back tomorrow. Let them work off a good portion of their energy in school and sports, and they (tend to) come back to me much more laid back. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe the down time restores my spirit so that it just FEELS like they are easier to manage. Either way, I'll take it.

On a different note, Mark's doctor has decided not to do the ablation after all, or at least not yet. They want to try yet another medication. Mark is so complicated that everything is risky. In fact, the last time we were in (Thursday), Dr. Broberg told Mark that we need to prepare ourselves for the fact that he (Mark) won't be around forever. Of course, we already knew that. But hearing the doctor say it makes it seem more real, somehow.

Alex had a rough patch this afternoon. He wanted to know if I could tell him that Daddy was going to be okay. (This came out of the blue, since Mark hasn't been in the ER for the last few days.) I told him that nobody can really tell us what to expect, that his daddy has already well outlived everything the doctors expected, that he is just a stubborn man and who can say how long he'll be able to keep on fighting? Alex wanted to know, "But ... what if he isn't okay? What then?" I hesitated, but decided there was nothing to say but the truth. "Then he will go to Heaven, and we will stick together and get through it." He laid on my lap and cried, and I told him not to feel bad about his feelings--any feelings. I told him that grief shows up in a lot of different ways and that none of those ways are wrong, that he'll be far better off in the long run just letting himself feel what he feels. So he cried and I rubbed his head and then, about 20 minutes or so after the conversation started, he said suddenly, "Wanna play a game?" And that was the end of it. For now.

Catching Up

Well, I've got some catching up to do! It's been a crazy sort of week. Mark has developed some new and rather worrisome symptoms. But let me back up a bit.

We found a dog! Well, Judy Herring (Jason's mommy) called and asked what we were looking for, etc. She has seven dogs herself, and so (obviously!) knows and loves them well. She told me about a young dog on petfinder.com and said she'd be willing to go in with me and take a look at him if I wanted. So Saturday morning we set out to meet Rikki.

On the way to Salem with my boys, Kayte, and two of her friends (whom I had just picked up from a slumber party), the cell phone rang. Mark had gone into SVT and was on his way to the hospital with our friend Rod. I thought about turning around, but we were halfway to Salem by then, and Judy had taken this time out to go with me, and Rod and Mark both said to just keep going. So we continued.

We got there and discovered that Rikki was not for us. He LUNGED into the room, clearly intent on exploring and conquering. Brendan, from his perch on the chair in the corner, said, "We don't want that one!" But we fell in love with this other little mutt named Monte. He was busy enough to entertain the boys, but he was equally happy to climb up in our laps and be petted. Perfect! So we started the process to adopt him, although we were told that we would have to leave him there over the weekend to be neutered.

So I left there, drove 40 minutes back to Dayton, dropped off Kayte's friends, took my own kids home, and went to the hospital to see Mark. Got there to find that he had slipped back into SVT and this time they'd had trouble getting him out. They had been on the phone with the anesthesiologist, getting ready to put him under so that they could shock him. Thankfully, he did convert without that, eventually, but the medication they gave him made his blood pressure crash through the floor, so then they had to deal with that! It was a little scary to walk in on that and realize what could have happened while I was off dog shopping! Well, they kept him overnight, but Sunday afternoon, he got to come home.

Meanwhile, Kayte's plans to go to the fair with her friends had fallen through at the last minute. I didn't have anything planned for her because she had planned to be gone from Saturday afternoon until LATE Sunday. I have a party planned for today, but I didn't have anything going Sunday for her. And I was nearly broke! So I had to scramble in my mind for something not too expensive and somewhat fun to do so that she didn't end up spending her 13th birthday bored and alone. I picked up a cake mix and made her a cake. Then, after I got Mark home from the hospital and settled, I took her and two friends for pizza. Then we did a little browsing Third Street. (Kayte bought herself some cute earrings.) Then Rod, Billie Jo, and Shawn joined us for cake back at our house. Mark was even able to come down and join us for about an hour. It wasn't nearly as exciting as going to the fair, but Kayte seemed happy, so that's what matters.

Yesterday, I was getting ready to head back to Salem to put down the deposit on the pup when Mark's heart starting acting up again. I stalled, waiting to see how things would go, and ended up taking him to the hospital instead. I called the Humane Society from the hospital, and they quite graciously agreed to hold the dog for us without the deposit since I had "legitimate circumstances." I was really relieved. The kids have been SO excited about this dog. I couldn't exactly not tend to Mark, but neither did I want to lose the kids' dog!

Well, with that out of the way, I was able to turn my attention back to Mark. His cardiologist had originally said he wanted him up at OHSU, but he and the doc on call in the ER decided he was stable enough to come up later in the week as an outpatient. They put him on a new medication to hopefully keep his heart from slipping into SVT anymore, but they are probably soon going to do an ablation, which is like a cardiac catheterization, except that they go in and locate the area that is sending out the faulty signals and burn it so that it stops misfiring.

Late afternoon, they released him. I came home to a call from the Humane Society. The lady was SO sorry, but it turns out that when Monte is under stress, he bites. Hard. Oops. She was so apologetic. I said, "Hey, it's not your fault! I'm rather glad we found this out ahead of time." They know our situation and are going to help up look for a dog that will fit our needs better. In the meantime ... I guess we wait!

But for now, I need to get off my bootie! I need to cook up the "batter" for the blueberry ice cream for Kayte's family party tonight, and then I need to go school supply shopping. And then off to the park to meet Brendan's kindergarten teachers...

Onward

All right. I know my last post was pretty bare bones, but I was so horribly depressed by the news we got yesterday that I really didn't want to let myself start "oozing" in public. Today, I'm much more "together," so ... here I am! Mark is still not well, although that is no surprise. He has always been full of surprises, medically, and this may just be a phase. But my strong suspicion is that he has pretty much seen the end of "good days." I found an email from him when I got up to write this morning. "Wake me at 7:15. I don't want to lose another day." He really wanted to go in and do some work at the church, but once he had showered, he was too exhausted. By late afternoon, the pain had picked up again. He was afraid we would have to go to the ER again, but the Vicodin he took seems to be keeping the pain steady. It's still there, but it's not increasing so I THINK we should be able to stay home tonight. He's having trouble sleeping though. Even with three pillows, the pain in his chest is just too severe when he lies down. I think we may have to think about getting a recliner soon, or a bed that goes up and down.

The thing that concerns me is that this is his "good" time of year, historically. Ever since I've known him, the winter has been hard on him, starting in about October. If he gets worse than this ... Well, I guess there IS worse than this. He's not completely bedridden. He CAN still shower by himself, even though it wears him out. He CAN still walk to the mailbox. Slowly, but he can do it most days. So ... it could be worse. But he's seems to me to be on a pretty slippery slope the last three weeks or so.

But ... we do have some good news! Several points, in fact. First of all, some good friends of our paid the fees for us to get a companion dog for Alex!!! We are all pretty excited. Brendan asks me several times a day, "Can we get it TODAY????" We had planned to go through the program which I mentioned on Saturday, which IS an excellent program! But there is a 1 1/2 to 2 year waiting period, and they choose the more needy kids over the higher functioning one. That's quite understandable! But I don't think Alex would be chosen. And even if he was, this program requires that the child and a parent go down and be a part of the training for two weeks. At this point in the game, that could be a little complicated! It could be done, of course! But ... it'd be tricky. So I got to thinking, "What do we really need?" Well, we need to either get a dog that is certified as a companion dog, so that our landlord will have no choice but to let us have it. Or we need to find one under twenty pounds. Getting a certified dog would be more challenging (and expensive) so we're looking to find something smallish. The thing is ... it needs to be mellow, too. Relatively. I mean, we can't have something like our neighbor's yippy Pomeranian! That would kind of be counterproductive if the goal is to provide a "relaxing canine therapy" for the kids. So I emailed the Humane Society, told them what we are looking for. Also, I am putting the word out to people we know (including you! that is, assuming "you" live in the area!).

Also, the church is sending us gift cards to buy the kids school supplies and school clothes. And they've set us up with a mechanic in the church who is going to tune up our van for free. It's humbling to have to accept this kind of help, and yet ... it's touching, too. It makes me feel like we're really a part of a community, that we have this rather sturdy safety net underneath us, that while we may bounce frighteningly high sometimes, we aren't going to crash into the floor.

No Surgery

Well, the verdict is in. There will be no surgery. The doctor wants to start Mark on a new medication, but it costs $1200.00 per months so we have to go through a process to get Medicare to approve it. It will probably take a couple of months. Also, they're going to put him through a sleep test to see if he has apnea, if that might be causing the severe fatigue. Other than that, Mark's heart seems to be functioning reasonably well, and the doc has seen people with worse hemotocrits and saturations who were functional. But what we see "on paper" doesn't match what we see in Mark. Dr. Broberg said straight out, "We're playing a guessing game with you."

We were in the ER tonight. Mark had a lot of pain: liver area, chest, head, arm ... I think today was just a bit much for him.

Fly Day!

Dad and I went flying with Alex today!! It was SO much fun. Seriously, today was one of those days that's going into my mental scrapbook on the "favorite days" page. The people who run Challenge Air (and the pilots, too) do this totally free of charge for kids with disabilities. It was started many years ago (37 years ago, I think?) by a man who was a pilot in Vietnam. He survived a terrible crash but was wheelchair bound for the rest of his life until he died of cancer ten years ago. But he still lived a full life: flying and skiing and doing any number of things he loved. And he started this program, which his friends carry on. They do it all over the country for the simple purpose of showing kids with challenges that having a disability does not mean that you can't have a fulfilling life. It was really inspiring. The kids there were SO happy. So many gleeful faces ...

In addition to flying (and Alex got to actually "steer" for a bit), they had breakfast food, a pizza lunch, ice cream, soda, cotton candy, snow cones ... firemen who let the kids dress up and spray the hose ... a bouncy slide (Brendan's favorite, by far! He saw one of the boys do flips off the top, so off course he had to try that! Ah, my little dare devil. I heard a rumor that his guardian angel is growing weary and has put in for a transfer ...) No, but seriously ... they had companion dogs, too. For a hundred dollars, we could sign up for a dog that would be specially trained for Alex. Only a hundred bucks! Of course, we'd have to pay $200 for the pet fee here, but the people at the booth said that our landlords can't forbid us from having a companion dog because of Alex's disability. Yey! Not that we have $300 right now to do this, but ... maybe someday soon. (I keep saying that, don't I? One of these days ... Anyway, back to the scene of the action ...)

The plane ride was a thrill! I've been up in jets several times, of course, but never in a small plane like this. There was quite a bit of turbulence, and when we would sort of free fall (very briefly), I would gasp and jump. I think my dad kind of got a kick out of my reaction! (He told Alex later, "You should have seen your mother's face!") I just kept trying to be logical, telling myself how much safer this is than driving through the Curves, for instance. But it sure didn't FEEL safe! I wouldn't trade away the experience, though, that's for sure! What a rush! It was ... just gorgeous up there. We really live in a beautiful part of the country! And it sort of helped me put everything into perspective, to realize (again) how many people there are in the world, many of them with equally great challenges, that I don't (by any stretch of the imagination) have a monopoly of Life's Challenges, that life really IS what we make of it.

For more information on this program, click http://www.challengeair.com/. This program is held in several locations around the country on an ongoing basis. Parents of children with any kind of disability are encouraged to apply at their website.

(Note: To see the pictures in a window of their own, click on the collage.)

Just Waiting

Well, Mark is home. Apparently, we will know on Tuesday at our follow up appointment what they have decided to do. Until then ... we wait! Meanwhile, I'm going with Ruth today to a lavender farm in Silverton. Surprised? Yeah, me neither! But seriously, it'll be good "bonding" time, and who knows? I might get some good pictures out of it!

Success

Well, the cardiac catheterization went well today. They started about 8 a.m. and he didn't reappear until almost 2:00, but it wasn't because anything went wrong. They were just keeping an eye on him. He did have some bleeding from the site when he stood up to use the little boy's room, but his (excellent) nurse quickly got it under control. He was in a lot of pain when he got back to the room--not from the incision, though. From his chest. He couldn't have more morphine yet, but the nurse gave him dilaudid. He soon fell asleep, snoring loudly, but then he'd wake up and crack a joke and promptly fall right back to sleep. At least he's in good spirits! I don't know how much of that is chemically induced! but, hey ... we'll take it! No, but seriously, his joking around is a good sign. He only stops goofing off with people when he is REALLY ill. During past "events," I've felt myself relax when he started joking again because I knew then that he was on the mend.

I've been having some good times with Ruth! I'm actually REALLY surprised. I think ... she actually likes me! I mentioned that to Jason today, and he said (and I paraphrase), "Duh." No, what he said was, "You are your own harshest critic." I guess maybe, after all the "work" I've done with Dr. Warren, that I am finally able to recognize love and admiration?? I don't know. This feels SO different from past times with her that I'm tempted to think she has changed. But chances are ... I'm the one who has changed.

She just about blew me out of the water yesterday. She told me that she has to keep working until November, when her full retirement kicks in, but then she wants to move back here to be near her son and her grandkids and to help out with them. I could have cried! But, being a dignified woman (Hah!), I didn't. I just said, "That would be really great!"

If she does move back here, though, I'm going to have to learn to enjoy conversations about lavender and cooking and lavender and decorating and lavender and ... did I mention lavender?? I like to have conversations about books, about politics, about sticky issues of faith and religion, things like that. Ruth would really rather not talk about politics or the news. While I have no doubt that her faith is completely genuine, she doesn't seem to wrestle around with tough issues. It just ... is. And we're not interested in the same kinds of books. And as far as cooking goes, if I could somehow avoid having to do it ever again, I'd be a happy camper. She does it for FUN! And the whole lavender obsession ... I mean, I like the stuff. I do. But this woman is completely head over heels in love with the stuff!! She grows several varieties, reads about it, cooks with it, visits lavender festivals, talks about it, talks about it, and ... talks about it. But, you know? I realized this week that she really loves her son and her grandkids (and maybe even me?!?), and ultimately that's all that really matters. And who knows? If she moves this way, maybe she'll teach me to make her scrumptious lavender cake. . .

We Just Do

There are nights I just don't want to go to bed. It's not that I'm not tired, because I am ... It's just that I feel hypervigilant, like I can never quite let down my guard or I will get swamped with all of this. I do sometimes. (Let down my guard, I mean.) I can't seem to help it. And then ... wham! It's not a good idea, I've discovered (repeatedly), to let your guard down too, too much.

I wonder what it would be like to feel safe in the world? I don't know that I've ever really felt that. I don't always (or even often) feel physically unsafe. Living out in Poedunkville, I'm far more likely to get sprayed by a skunk then to be the victim of a crime, so it's not that kind of feeling unsafe. It's just that feeling of ... precariousness, of everything being transient.

I sleep in my clothes sometimes these days. I don't know why. I just feel ... ready? Ready for what? Just ... ready. But I'm drooping. I can't stay awake much longer. I've calmed by mind with classical music and Sudoku, and there is a huge part of me that just wants to give in to sleep. But on the other side of sleep is another day. And when I get to that day, I know I will have the strength for it. It just seems like more than I can conjure up right now.

I have a dear friend who also lives a challenging life. I asked him the other day, "How do we keep on?" He said simply, "We just do." It wasn't said flippantly. It's just ... that's the truth. Plain and simple. We just do. So I think I'll take off my headphones and dry my tears and go get some sleep. Tomorrow's a new day.

What's Up, Doc?

Not much news here today. Mark's mom and stepdad arrived last night. As predicted, she commented on my weight within three minutes of arriving ... Sigh. The thing is, I finally have a backbone! She said, "It looks like you've filled out some since I saw you!" I said, "No, actually, I just lost eight pounds." I refuse to be neurotic about my weight, my house, my children. I don't have the energy to try to please the MIL anymore. Take me or leave me. (To her credit, she did say that I made a great chicken soup and set a fabulous table. "Where did you GET these roses?" Um ... I grew them. Right out front. If I "don't care" what she thinks of me, why did those comments feel so good? Okay, so maybe I do care a little bit ...)

She wanted to go on an outing as a family. Mark tries to be the ultimate stoic in front of his mom, but I had to intervene. I put my arm around Mark and said, "You know, Ruthie, Mark will tell you he's okay, but the truth of the matter is that outings generally land us in the hospital. He really needs this cardiac catherization, and I don't think we should do anything that would make it iffy whether or not he's able to get it." So if Mark can manage later today (he had a rough night, again), we're going to go over to the RV park for dinner and a swim later this afternoon.

--Interesting timing, here! I just got off the phone with Dr. Weiss, one of Mark's cardiologist. We were going over what's ahead. Apparently there are four possibilities, which will be decided after the results are in from the cath. 1) surgery to reduce the constriction on his pulmonary artery so that he can get more oxygen to his lungs, 2) an arterial shunt, 3) a heart transplant, or 4) continuing to medically manage symptoms as well as we can without surgery. (Number four would be the "fallback" option, if he fails to qualify for any of the above.) None of these options will "cure" Mark, but Dr. W says we might be able to buy him five years.

A Bit of Rest

Well, Mark is home again. He seems relatively comfortable for the moment, just extremely tired. He walked around Fred Meyers for about 15 minutes while we waited for his prescription, and that pretty much wiped him out. He came home and fell asleep for several hours, wandered downstairs, got a couple of cookies and went back upstairs and back to sleep.

Sounds inviting to me, honestly! I came home from the hospital just drooping with fatigue. I haven't been sleeping well, but any of you who know me well will know that's nothing new for me! I feel really bad though because I feel like I let my dear friend Andrea down. See, Brendan fell asleep in the car and stayed asleep when I moved him inside so I laid down, too. Then Andrea called. Her nephew, Boone, who just miraculously just reached his first birthday after nearly dying twice already in his short life, has come down with a virus and was headed back to the hospital. I knew this, but I just couldn't talk. I hate it when I can't be there for those I love. I don't have to "be there" for the entire world, but it is crucially important to be available, if at all possible, to those I love. And I love Andrea dearly. But she seems to have understood that I had reached my limit of "stretchability," and I DID call her when I woke up, an hour and a half later, feeling more or less human again! And Boone? He's going to be okay. Yey! That kid ... God really must have plans for his life.

I didn't do much the rest of the day. I'm reading Anne Lamott's newest book, Grace (Eventually), Thoughts on Faith. Even though I defected to the Democratic party last year, Lamott is still a little liberal for me. Okay, a LOT liberal. (I'd be considered a moderate Democrat, although Rush Limbaugh says there is no such thing, which really doesn't concern me much since I think Rush is ... never mind! Some thoughts are better kept to oneself! But back to Lamott's book ...) I just LOVE her writing because of the depth of her honesty and perception. She is a recovering addict, sober for a couple of decades now, but ... once an addict, always an addict. There's really no such thing as a recoverED addict. It's an ongoing process. And she talks so openly and honestly about her struggles, not so much with drugs and alcohol anymore, but with negative emotions, with the need to "bury" the pain that still bubbles to the surface sometimes. She talks about jealousy and loss, about parenting, about feeling inadequate, about making restitution for old wounds, for the sake of your own healing. And she's funny. SO incredibly funny. Besides my friend Libby, Lamott is the only one who makes me throw back my head and ROAR with laughter.

But in addition to reading and napping, I played a game of Assault Yahtzee with the boys. What? You've never heard of that game? Well, quite frankly, neither had I--until I saw it demonstrated in front of me. Leave it to my boys to turn combine five dice and a cardboard box with something that looked remarkably like Taekwondo. Oh, and did I mention the profusion of loud noises? Yeah, well, I guess that's kind of a given ...

And now? Now I'm drooping again, but ... I'm peaceful. I feel like sometimes I battle and battle, trying to fit life into my mold, and wear myself out trying ... and then I let go ... and let God have his way in his time and just trust that he will always give me the strength to face whatever is right in front of me. And really? That's all we have to handle--just that step right in front of us.

Sudden Change

Well, Mark is back in the hospital. He had a syncopal episode last night after I had fallen asleep. (In other words, he passed out just long enough to fall down.) Jason took him to the ER, and I stayed home with the boys. When I heard from him about 7:30, he was in severe pain and the doctor wouldn't give him anything more than Tylenol. I called and talked to his nurse, Andrea, who is an absolute sweetie. She said her hands were tied, but "allowed" for the fact that a patient's family had the prerogative to push for better care if they didn't feel they were receiving what they needed. She put me through to the Doc, and I got him to agree to at least call and have a chat with the specialists at OHSU. When I talked to Mark again about an hour later, he said that they had decided to admit him.

But .... the big "but"... No more narcotics. Even the cardiologists, who have encouraged us time and again to go to the ER for pain relief, have suddenly cut him off. We don't know why. But they have also moved up his cardiac catheterization to Wednesday. We have to be there at 6:30 a.m. After that, they will decide what procedures he might be eligible to relieve some of his symptoms.

In addition to his pain, he is throwing a lot of PVCs (heart arrhythmias), which hurt quite a bit but are apparently benign. His BP is a bit high but stable. His body temperature is low. 95 degrees. I looked up what that could mean, but there are any number of possibilities, and nobody is rushing around like the sky is falling, so I assume it's okay for now.

I talked with the hospitalogist before I left today, and we worked out a narcotics-free plan that will (we hope) enable him at least to sleep.

Unexpected News

We got a call from one of Mark's doctors this afternoon. I had gone out to take Kaitlyn over to the Sweeney's. (She's going backpacking with them over in the Bend area for three days. I thank God for that family. They are the reason Kaitlyn is having a more or less normal childhood. Or ... more normal than she would otherwise! They take her all over the place with them, pay for her to go to camp, stuff like that. And they just love her up. Well, it goes the other way, too--just without the money aspect. I love their daughter Shawne to pieces. She is SUCH a character, and I couldn't ask for a better best friend for my daughter. A while back, Shawne called me her "other mom." All right! I'll take it!)

But I've gotten totally off track again, haven't I? I was saying how I went to drop Kaitlyn off at their house and when I got back, Mark came out of the house, looking a little stunned. It turns out that Dr. Weiss, from OHSU, had called. They--as in, the whole team, all six doctors--want to see him on Wednesday in their offices. Within a couple of weeks, they want to do a cardiac catheterization (since the one that was done a couple of years ago at St. Vincent's was botched). They are thinking, apparently, that they are going to do surgery to open up the oxygen flow to Mark's lungs. I'm not sure how they plan to do this. I'm almost certain it would involve removing the band on his pulmonary artery that was supposed to have been removed years ago, but somebody forgot. (How do people forget this kind of thing?) I had been under the impression that it couldn't be removed now, but ... maybe it can? Or ... maybe they're thinking of doing something else?

I'm not even going to go into how I feel about all of this because I have too many confused and contradictory feelings. Mark is clearly nervous, and I certainly don't blame him for that. His docs are excellent, but there is always some risk with this kind of thing. And I have to think that there could be quite a lot of risk involved, but ... it might do some good. I think ... a certain amount of risk is warranted for a chance at improving his life. But I can't honestly say that I'm not nervous, too. And I'm not the one going under the knife! Well, one step at a time, right? Right.

Blackberries, International Loans, and a Bit of Writing

I have blackberry thorns embedded in the bottoms of both of my flip-flops. I looked up from the computer screen about 7:00 and decided to indulge Brendan's begging with a trip to the berry bushes. What is it about berry picking that is so addictive? It's like playing Pacman. I am SO not into video games, but Pacman is a different story. I start gobbling those dots, and I just can't stop! I thought of that feeling as I reached for "just one more patch" of berries. We came back with a good sized bowl, some of which I'm now eating with Cheerios. (Why can't we always eat that way? If I lived on my own, it would be cereal and soup and ice cream. Oh, and the occasional salad. Anyway! I'm getting off track.)

I really wasn't staring at the computer screen constantly today. We were in the hospital last night, so I slept in until 9:00 this morning. Then I spent a half hour reading an article in Sojourners about how some Christians are calling for a return to the principles of the year of Jubilee, in which all debts were forgiven. (This year is, actually, a year of Jubilee in the Jewish calendar.) This article was discussing the fact that some of the countries which most need help--Haiti, Kenya--are struggling to pay back just the interest on loans that wealthier nations (the U.S. included) made to them while they were under the control of corrupt dictators who took the vast majority of the money for themselves. They can't even start paying back the principal, and the vast amounts of money that are going out to pay back the interest alone could be far better used under the new governments to pay for health care and education and other services. But instead the poor people are paying for the sins of their former "dictators."

But again, I digress. After I woke up enough, I got to work on my new assignment. Of course, I had to get up once or twice (or twenty times) to tend to kids, etc., but most of the day I did spend working on the first ten groups of my current (okay, so it's my only!) assignment. I formatted and edited and battled with those #$%% grids. Sorry, Rod, if you're reading this! I didn't mean to swear at your lovely grids, but those things are freaking ORNERY! Well, when I got to dinner time and went to look back over my beautifully finished groups, I found ... only eight. One, thank goodness, had relocated to my email folder and was easily persuaded to join his brothers on the desktop. But the other--the one with most of the grids?--yeah, well ... they had turned into gibberish. Nothing I did could make it speak English again. So I started over. I got a headache from staring at the screen and still ... you know what I thought? I thought, "This is great! I love doing this! I love working for myself, feeling like I'm putting one foot in front of the other and doing something for myself, for my family, something that (with a lot of work and some divine blessing) could, eventually, help pull us out of this hole." It feels so good to be doing something concrete to improve our lives.

It's Official!

Well, folks, my business is official. As of about five minutes ago, Dot the I Writing Service has an official number and slot in the computers down in Salem. (For those of you who didn't know that I have a writing service, click http://www.dot-the-i-writingservice.com/default.aspx to check out my website.) I had dragged my feet on registering my business because of the $50.oo fee to do so, but I must fork out money in order to be paid, so ... here goes! Also, I have my first client! Hoping and praying that this job will be just the first of many.

I know I haven't written much lately, but there really hasn't been much to write! Mark hasn't been feeling well, but hasn't been too terribly bad either. (Three evenings in the ER last week for pain management, but that's nothing new.) We've been (until yesterday) incredibly broke. Beyond broke. (I took our account down to $2.oo when I paid the water bill, but forgot about the auto-withdrawal of my life insurance. Dang! Nothing like starting the month $50 in the hole due to fees.) So, without funds to even do so much as buy gas, we had a very uneventful week.

Our anniversary came and went without much to report. Becca took the kids, and Mark and I had a special dinner alone. It was kind of weird at first! Without the kids there to drive the conversation, we had to think a bit to come up with things to talk about. Unless we wanted to talk about the kids, of course, but I wanted to stretch a little beyond that well worn topic! It was nice, though. It's SO easy for a couple to just become "Mommy" and "Daddy."

What else? Nothing really. I've been writing up a storm. I've decided that this is the year I break in. Don't ask me why. I just feel it in my gut. Of course, it may be indigestion. I guess we'll see!

Hospitals, Weddings, and Ordinary Days

Today has been a wonderfully ordinary day. The thing about having a challenging life is that ordinary days seem like gems! I think sometimes--often!--we underestimate the value of everyday life: the beautiful sights and sounds and smells, interesting conversations with people, hugs and kisses from our kids, the productive feeling that comes from getting things done ... I know that when things go "right" for long enough, we have a tendency to feel like a day has to be out of the ordinary for it to be truly special, but I've come to realize that any day in which my family is healthy and reasonably happy and we have food on the table is a good one.

We had nearly four days without seeing the inside of a hospital last week. Thursday through Sunday, Mark felt ... not well, but not terribly bad. He slept a lot but was even able to put in two or three hours of work at the church. Then Sunday he crashed again. An evening trip to the ER determined that he wasn't suffering any further damage to his heart, but yesterday he crumped again. We called an ambulance that time because he was upstairs and didn't think that he could get down on his own. And I certainly can't carry him! (That's an issue we're going to have to address here eventually. I wonder what it would take to convert a garage to a room ...? My grandparents did it once, but then Grandpa was a carpenter! Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.) As I was saying, we called 911, but after four hours of observation and a test of his triponin levels, they decided it was safe for him to go back home. He slept fairly well last night (and much of this morning), and now seems to be feeling quite well (although we all know how quickly that can change!). Tomorrow we have an appointment with his doctors up at OHSU.

So what does all this have to do with cowboy boot cake? Nothing, actually! I just thought I'd tell you all about my aunt Karen's wedding to Mike on Saturday. Most of the people who actually read this blog were there, so feel free to skip ahead if you were one of those! But a few regular readers were not a part of the festivities, so I thought I'd describe it a bit for them.

The wedding was in my aunt's barn (which is open on three sides). We sat on hay bales to watch. Karen came in, wearing a knee length white dress with white cowboy boots. Her daughters, Stacey and Rachel, wore springy dresses with color-coordinated cowboy boots as well. Mike wore jeans. The ceremony was very short. Six or seven minutes tops. Just long enough to read a little Scripture, say the vows, and give each other a big old smooch! Then it was on to the eating! Karen and Mike provided chicken kabobs, and various family members brought side dishes: lots of them! Cabbage and rice, fresh melon, chips and salsa, summer sausage, baked beans, the works! And there was dancing. I must say that (with the exception of Mike and Karen, who seemed to know what they were doing) there were a lot of left feet on the dance floor (mine included!). But it was fun. (That was Alex's favorite part. He must have asked me at LEAST twenty times when the dancing was going to start.)

This was the first wedding I ever attended that had animals present! The dog in the back row had not been invited, but was allowed to stay once someone had him on a leash. And the four horse showed up at the fence/side of the barn in time for the reception. They may have missed out on the chicken and cake, but one of the little girls there kept them well supplied with hay!

It was great to see my extended family again. I was surprised when I realized that every one of my cousins had a significant other with him/her. I think there will be several more weddings in the near future. Yey! But there are none on the docket at the moment (that I know of, anyway). I asked Stacey what we were going to use for an excuse to get together now that our rash of spring/summer weddings is over. She thought a minute and said, "Babies?" Yeah, well, I'm sure there will be a flood of those in the next few years! But none are due until at least next spring. I guess we'll just have to be creative in coming up with excuses. Or maybe--here's a thought!--we could get together "just because."

Home Sweet Home

He's home! We got back about two hours ago. Mark is beat, but happy to be here. The boys are ecstatic, although they have finally settled down. Kaitlyn is MIA, at a friend's house. I am ... tired, like I can finally relax a bit. I know better than to get too comfortable! The docs opted not to start him on the hydroxyurea therapy yet, because they/we need to thoroughly discuss and prepare for the risk factors. And they didn't do a phlebotomy because of the significant chance of anemia. (They did give him magnesium and blood thinners and started him on a new prescription: a slow release nitro-type medication that will hopefully head off some of the chest pain.) So ... we'll see how it goes. I don't know how long he'll get to stay home before we do this all over again. I don't want to be pessimistic, but I'm prepared for it to be a relatively brief spell. But who knows? Maybe the tide will turn for awhile.

Good News

I have some potentially good news this morning! Mark's cardiologists called in some "consultants." (I didn't realized doctors have consultants, but ... hey! Whatever gets the job done!) These consultants told us yesterday that they are going to recommend hypoxyurea therapy for Mark. I still need to get online and read up about it, but what I know so far is that it lowers the red blood cell count and makes the cells more pliable so that they will slip through the veins more easily. This could be really good! It's the first time in a long time that anyone has offered us anything that might actually make a substantial difference.

The down side? Well ... this medication can't differentiate between red and white cells. They said his white cell count can tolerate a decrease at this point, but if they get the balance off, it could suppress his immune system. (Not permanently. They could always adjust the meds. But we don't want him wide open to "bugs" that could easily do him in, in his weakened state.) Another downside: because the cells are more slippery, he would also be more prone to bleeding. (Hard to imagine, since his blood is currently so thick they have to struggle to get a sample.) I know it's a bit of a risk, but the "downsides" seem to be controllable with further medical intervention, if it comes to that, and at least it's SOMEthing. For the first time in a long time, somebody has been able to give us something resembling hope!

Doing Better

I didn't write anything yesterday because I had nothing to write! We were waiting (and waiting) for the cat scan to check for blockages in his heart, only to find out that we wouldn't get the results until today. Well, the results are finally in: everything looks clear. Tomorrow they think he should be able to come home. Yey! When I called this morning, he was actually out of bed, sitting in a chair, and was able to talk to both of the boys, so ... progress!

This afternoon, I'm taking the boys up to see him for a bit. It's a long drive for what will undoubtedly be a short visit, since the boys are not exactly what one could call "sedate." But it'll be good for them to see him (and vice versa). Kaitlyn doesn't want to go, and I'm not going to force her. She'll see him tomorrow anyway.

Another Update

I don't have much time, here. As soon as the boys finish their graham crackers, I need to put them to bed, and then I am going to curl up with a book. But I wanted to update all of you who are interested on Mark's progress. He is at OHSU now. He developed an increase in the fluid on his lungs, and they decided to transfer him up there last night. This morning, his oxygen saturations were in the 5o's. (A normal person sats near 100 percent and would be dead LONG before 50%. Actually, even the low 90s are worrisome for a normal person, but Mark's norm in the mid to high 70s.) Hydrated oxygen and pressure cuffs on his legs seem to have helped quite a bit though. His saturations are back up, and his color looks a lot better. He is still very tired, and getting up to the bathroom leaves him panting and coughing, but he is moving in the right direction. He's still on morphine for the chest pain, but not so much that he can't carry on a brief conversation. More tomorrow.

Just me, again

Mark's nurse called early this afternoon. She said he was having more of what he'd had last night: mental fogginess and left side weakness. She said he was quite anxious and was hoping I would come in and sit with him. I dashed off. Dropped the boys at Becca's again. (Poor Becca. I feel bad for her that she's had them three days in a row, but she's being very gracious about it. Besides, Jason was off today so it took a lot of the burden off of her.) I rushed off to the hospital, only to find Mark ... sound asleep. I felt a little silly that I'd been so worried. Still, something IS changing with him. No one can tell us what, really, but his EKG is different. (Something about the ST waves.) And his chest hurts when he breathes. And the fogginess in his brain was/is concerning so they did a CAT scan while I was there. They finally came in, about 8:00 this evening, and told me that there was no sign of a stroke, but that the scan does reveal that the blood in his brain is just too thick. (The gal in the ER last night had to work hard to even get a sample of it, that's how thick it is.) They are giving him lots of IV fluids, but if things don't clear up by tomorrow, they will have to do a phlebotomy again. I really don't think more fluids are going to do the trick. Not at this point. He's had plenty of phlebotomies in the past, though, and should be just fine. I would feel a little better if he were up at OHSU, but the docs there don't know anything else to do for him either, and this hospital is FAR more convenient. I hope it doesn't come around to bite us. They said we can have him transferred whenever we want, but that they feel confident they can handle this. So ... I guess I'll leave him there for now.

I got a real treat today. Katie is in town! She's staying at Becca's tonight, but she stopped by the hospital on her way out to Dayton and stayed for three hours. We had such a nice chat. Well, some of it wasn't "nice." We discussed some tough stuff, but also some lighter things. We don't really get a chance to talk even on the rare occasions when we get together anymore, because there are always little ears around. And besides, it was just nice to have somebody I love sitting with me! I spend so many hours sitting next to a drugged and/or sleeping man. It was so nice to have company for a change!

Tomorrow we are going to the beach, to Fogarty Creek, for a picnic after I pick up Kaitlyn at camp. I debated about whether I should go or not ... and what if something happens to Mark while I'm gone, and ... but you know, what if something DOES happen while I'm gone? Can I stop it by being here? Hardly! And we'll only be gone for a few hours. We're aiming to head home by 2:00, so I can still go in and see him when we get back. And I think it will do my spirit good to get away for a bit. The ocean ALWAYS makes me feel better, calmer ... I need that right now. I think it is in everyone's interests for us to have a little "play time" tomorrow, even if Mark is in the hospital.

Christina is still calling. I don't know what to do. I've asked her straight out, several times, to stop calling. I've told her, in no uncertain terms, that I will not help her anymore, that she needs to call her family. But she keeps calling. (She started at 6:15 this morning.) I think I'm going to look into what would be involved in blocking her number. I'm afraid that might backfire, that she'd just show up at my door. But ... I have to try something. Becca suggested a restraining order, but I think that's a little extreme, considering that she doesn't seem dangerous. Anyhow! I'm not going to worry about it too much for now. I have to get up reasonably early tomorrow anyway, to be on the road by 8:30, and I'll be gone most of the day so even if (when) she does call, it won't matter all that much. And Sunday ... well, we'll deal with that Sunday! One day at a time!