High Time

Well, I think it's high time I updated this thing, don't you? The good news is that things have been relatively calm around here, as far as Mark's health goes. I honestly cannot tell if Mark is getting better or worse. He has far, FAR less pain, and for that I am SO grateful (as is he!). But he has a LOT of fatigue still, and other issues, and I just don't know if we are moving forward or moving backward. He's off the $1200/month medication. It was having some undesirable side effects. Mostly he sleeps a lot, although he was able to go in to the church three times last week and do some work there, which is DEFinitely an improvement over a couple of weeks ago, so ... yeah, I'd have to say he's probably improving. I still find myself checking to see if he's still breathing when he sleeps, though. Maybe that's just my neuroses. I don't FEEL like he is "safe," but no one can really tell us just what is what. There are no markers on this road to say whether or not we are on the right path, so we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to make progress where we can.

That said, I don't think I'm going to be writing in here much for awhile. I don't know how to explain what has been going on in my head and heart, and I really don't want to try, except to say that I feel that I have gone into a sort of "hibernation," that I am conserving my emotional energy for those things that are REALLY important to me. This blog (and other aspects of my life) have required (at times) a huge vulnerability that has sometimes brought about much good and at other times has really bitten my hard in the tush. I believe, with my head, that the results of being vulnerable are worth the pain. However, I just don't have any spare energy right now. I find myself paring down, down, down so that my life is more and more focused: my children, my husband, my sisters, a couple of key friends, my writing ... Opening myself up to public scrutiny as I continue down this path is just ... no longer an option to me. I just can't do it.

My dearest friend and I have every intention of writing a collective memoir someday. She, too, is a pastor's daughter and knows all about that life (and afterlife). She, too, has a husband who has struggled with a chronic condition for decades, who has episodes periodically out of the blue which leave her wondering if he will make it through the night. I write to her every day. Sometimes a couple of times a day. And someday, you will all be able to read all about all my experiences (and my neuroses) when this phase of life is "history" for us and we are able to go back through our correspondence and glean what meaning we can from all of this. But for now ... I simply HAVE to retreat to my cave and pour myself into places where I know I am safe: private correspondence with trusted individuals and my poetry. I will come out in the "spring." I just can't tell you when that will be.