A Bit of Rest

Well, Mark is home again. He seems relatively comfortable for the moment, just extremely tired. He walked around Fred Meyers for about 15 minutes while we waited for his prescription, and that pretty much wiped him out. He came home and fell asleep for several hours, wandered downstairs, got a couple of cookies and went back upstairs and back to sleep.

Sounds inviting to me, honestly! I came home from the hospital just drooping with fatigue. I haven't been sleeping well, but any of you who know me well will know that's nothing new for me! I feel really bad though because I feel like I let my dear friend Andrea down. See, Brendan fell asleep in the car and stayed asleep when I moved him inside so I laid down, too. Then Andrea called. Her nephew, Boone, who just miraculously just reached his first birthday after nearly dying twice already in his short life, has come down with a virus and was headed back to the hospital. I knew this, but I just couldn't talk. I hate it when I can't be there for those I love. I don't have to "be there" for the entire world, but it is crucially important to be available, if at all possible, to those I love. And I love Andrea dearly. But she seems to have understood that I had reached my limit of "stretchability," and I DID call her when I woke up, an hour and a half later, feeling more or less human again! And Boone? He's going to be okay. Yey! That kid ... God really must have plans for his life.

I didn't do much the rest of the day. I'm reading Anne Lamott's newest book, Grace (Eventually), Thoughts on Faith. Even though I defected to the Democratic party last year, Lamott is still a little liberal for me. Okay, a LOT liberal. (I'd be considered a moderate Democrat, although Rush Limbaugh says there is no such thing, which really doesn't concern me much since I think Rush is ... never mind! Some thoughts are better kept to oneself! But back to Lamott's book ...) I just LOVE her writing because of the depth of her honesty and perception. She is a recovering addict, sober for a couple of decades now, but ... once an addict, always an addict. There's really no such thing as a recoverED addict. It's an ongoing process. And she talks so openly and honestly about her struggles, not so much with drugs and alcohol anymore, but with negative emotions, with the need to "bury" the pain that still bubbles to the surface sometimes. She talks about jealousy and loss, about parenting, about feeling inadequate, about making restitution for old wounds, for the sake of your own healing. And she's funny. SO incredibly funny. Besides my friend Libby, Lamott is the only one who makes me throw back my head and ROAR with laughter.

But in addition to reading and napping, I played a game of Assault Yahtzee with the boys. What? You've never heard of that game? Well, quite frankly, neither had I--until I saw it demonstrated in front of me. Leave it to my boys to turn combine five dice and a cardboard box with something that looked remarkably like Taekwondo. Oh, and did I mention the profusion of loud noises? Yeah, well, I guess that's kind of a given ...

And now? Now I'm drooping again, but ... I'm peaceful. I feel like sometimes I battle and battle, trying to fit life into my mold, and wear myself out trying ... and then I let go ... and let God have his way in his time and just trust that he will always give me the strength to face whatever is right in front of me. And really? That's all we have to handle--just that step right in front of us.