We Just Do

There are nights I just don't want to go to bed. It's not that I'm not tired, because I am ... It's just that I feel hypervigilant, like I can never quite let down my guard or I will get swamped with all of this. I do sometimes. (Let down my guard, I mean.) I can't seem to help it. And then ... wham! It's not a good idea, I've discovered (repeatedly), to let your guard down too, too much.

I wonder what it would be like to feel safe in the world? I don't know that I've ever really felt that. I don't always (or even often) feel physically unsafe. Living out in Poedunkville, I'm far more likely to get sprayed by a skunk then to be the victim of a crime, so it's not that kind of feeling unsafe. It's just that feeling of ... precariousness, of everything being transient.

I sleep in my clothes sometimes these days. I don't know why. I just feel ... ready? Ready for what? Just ... ready. But I'm drooping. I can't stay awake much longer. I've calmed by mind with classical music and Sudoku, and there is a huge part of me that just wants to give in to sleep. But on the other side of sleep is another day. And when I get to that day, I know I will have the strength for it. It just seems like more than I can conjure up right now.

I have a dear friend who also lives a challenging life. I asked him the other day, "How do we keep on?" He said simply, "We just do." It wasn't said flippantly. It's just ... that's the truth. Plain and simple. We just do. So I think I'll take off my headphones and dry my tears and go get some sleep. Tomorrow's a new day.