Riding the Wave

I got some disturbing news in our staff meeting this morning. Actually, it wasn't "news" really, since I first heard of the matter in the Oregonian a couple of weeks ago. But our principal confirmed today that our district has to cut $300,ooo from the budget. She said that cutting a couple of sports programs, for instance, won't even come CLOSE to the amount we need to "find" somewhere. I guess the administrators met for several hours today to work on a solution. One of the possibilities include restructuring the school day so that each teacher would teach five rather than four classes. When asked how that would help us financially, our principal stammered about a bit and basically said she didn't have time to go into that right now, but I'm pretty darn certain that I can do the math. Four teachers teaching four classes each gets the district 16 classes for approximately 160K. Three teachers teaching five classes each gets us 15 classes for 120K. Do you see where my thoughts are trending here? All they have to do is cut about 8 teachers. Piece of cake, right? And I KNOW who will go (if anyone does). It's not the math and science teachers (and it shouldn't be). It's the electives. There was some stammered comment about "restructuring" the electives, but ... I wonder. The junior highers are not required, by the state, to have Spanish at all, and only two years are required at the high school level. If they cut out Junior High Spanish and Spanish 3 and 4 and bump the day to six periods, Efrain could cover it by himself.

Now, no one has TOLD me that I won't have a job this fall. I talked to our principal privately a couple of weeks ago, and she said that I should just "carry on" for now, that they've had to cut budgets in the past and they try really hard to preserve staff. But clearly some significant changes are coming to Dayton (and plenty of other Oregon schools), and ... I think I should be ready.

That said, I've decided to do exactly as Jami recommended and just ... carry on! I am not one who tends to see God or the Devil behind every bush and in every cloud. Sometimes ... things just happen. I also KNOW that my being at Dayton High at all IS a gift from God. I am certain that he put me here. And if my time here turns out to be more temporary than I had hoped ... well, then ... he'll lead me somewhere else. I know I wasn't put here merely to pass time. The whys and wherefores may not be instantly revealed, but I am confident that I am here for a reason, no matter how long I am able to stay.

I'm learning, the last few months, not to resist the feelings that have often paralyzed me in the past: fear and doubt, guilt and loneliness, anger and longing. I have found that when I resist what IS there (whether I want it to be or not!), it builds up and up and starts clotting off places in my heart and mind. More and more, I'm learning to let the feelings be what they are and not try to rationalize them away or stuff them down, down, down until they ooze out the cracks. I'm learning to say, "I'm frightened ... and I'll be okay" or "I have this longing for something I'll never have ... and I'll be okay ..." Leaning into the wave and riding it is, I'm discovering, far more productive (and less exhausting) than fighting what I cannot change.

Now ... back to work!