To the ER, again.

We went to the ER again last night. The day had been going fine. Mark didn't feel terrific, but he felt okay. He even went for a walk. (He's been doing that a lot more lately, trying to build up his strength and all.) But about 5:30, he starting having some really bad pressure in his chest and neck. His hands went cold and numb. He felt like he couldn't breath. Nitro helped for a few minutes, but it all just came bounding back five minutes later. When things weren't showing any signs of clearing up, I drove him to the ER. His pulse and blood pressure were a bit high. Not through the roof, by any means, but his body was clearly fighting for/against something. Once we got there, the nausea kicked in and he started dry heaving. Ugh! But the EKG came back normal, and so did the blood work. After a couple of hours, they gave him phenergan for the nausea and dilaudid for the chest pain/pressure. Within minutes, his heart rate dropped and his oxygen saturations went up. His blood pressure didn't improve much, but he was able to go home about a half hour later.

I'm never quite sure how to "be" during these episodes. I know that I am stressed, deep down inside, because I cannot concentrate on writing during these times. The words just seem flat in my head. I feel restless and tend to sit there, embroidering, while docs and techs and nurses try this and that. I often wonder if they think I don't care. I can FEEL the flatness in my face. It's just ... I can't get too upset until I know what's going on. If I let myself get all twisted up whenever he has chest pain, I'll be a basket case! But I can feel myself steeling up inside, just in case. I just can't help wondering if it looks to the world like I am heartless and uncaring. I hope not, but ... I can't really worry about people's opinions of me on top of everything else. And there really isn't anything I can do for Mark. I get him ice chips when he wants them, but he doesn't like to be touched when he's hurting and he's a little old for me to be singing him lullabies. So I just sit there... and wait.